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Friday, February 1, 2013

Putting It Out There

I am really tired of finding inspiration for a blog post and then scrapping it because it doesn't feel good enough. Many things inspire me - many things I never thought would. I am changing in a lot of ways and I'm happy with those changes. But I'm still me: I'm an exceedingly insecure person who is unhappy in her own skin. I have amazing people in my life, and sometimes I wonder why they bother to put up with my negativity or my tendency to push them away. But they DO put up with me, and I'm grateful for that, because I'd be lost without them.

Do I want to be a "blogger?"  Sure. I have always enjoyed writing and this is a good place to start. I may not be the best writer in the world, but I know there are crappier writers out there with very popular blogs. My goal isn't to be popular. It's just to get my thoughts out there, even if no one reads them. I have so so many goals for myself and my future - way more than on my previous post. Sometimes I think I have too many, and that I'm setting myself up for disappointment in the long run.

But, a goal I've made for myself this year is to lose 40 pounds (though I certainly wouldn't mind losing a bit more). This goal has suddenly been pushed to the forefront of my life. I have so many reasons for wanting to lose the weight, which I hope to explore in another blog post, provided I don't decide it's too mundane for the Internet. I have been overweight for about two years now, and it took me about a year and a half to realize that it had become a real problem, and another six months before I got really serious about what must be done. Something in me has snapped and I have realized that this is something I need to do in order to be the person I want to be. In order to be content with myself. I haven't felt content with myself for a long time, though not all of that has to do with the extra weight.

I'm on Weight Watchers and exercising more now than I have since I was on my high school track team (though with much less intensity than back then). Before that, about a year ago, I attempted to count calories myself using a website, but I became obsessive and didn't want to eat anything, because everything has calories, even if they're good for you. With Weight Watchers, some things are "free." All fruit and most vegetables have zero Points Plus Values, which is a huge relief to be able to eat things without guilt. I got a personal trainer who turned out to only exacerbate my food anxiety (more on that later). At first, I joined Weight Watchers using only the eTools. But I did it at a stupid time - about two weeks before my wedding, which was a week before Thanksgiving, and then came Christmas, New Year's, and my birthday. Needless to say, I didn't lose much those first two and a half months. When all was said and done, after I had made the decision to start attending meetings and got weighed for the first time, I realized I was two pounds heavier than when I started back in November. Since starting meetings (and keeping eTools, of course), progress has been slow, but it's there. I have lost four pounds in four weeks, which is typical. I try not to compare myself to some meetings members who are losing 3 pounds a week while my body seems to be losing at a glacial pace thus far - every body is different, don't compare yourself to others, blah blah blah. But I'm frustrated and sometimes downright angry, while other times excited and determined and inspired.

I need to let it all out somewhere, so I can stop unleashing my crazy on my poor sweet husband. Thus, a blog. Because my hands cramp up if I write in a real journal. And because every single person in our generation thinks we have something important to say. I don't think I have anything important to say. I don't even know if I will keep up with this blog (though it will be a goal - one of millions). I never thought I'd be a "weight loss blogger" or whatever, but I hear to be a good blog you have to have a theme. I want to write about a lot more, but I'm not ready to wear cute clothes and take pictures of myself, or write witty and hilarious commentary on pop culture and my zany life (I don't have a zany life). This is what I need to write about now. So I'm going to try and do it.

But I'll lose the weight, whether I write about it or not. :)


  1. 1) I think "because my hands cramp up if I write in a real journal" is probably the greatest excuse for blogging I've ever heard.

    2) No one actually has a zany life. People just like to pretend their lives are zany by taking dumb pictures of themselves. I'm glad you're not in that category.

    3) You totally have important things to say. You are a smart person with goals and dreams and experiences and I want to hear about it. Writing is always personal... people who think they are always changing the world with their blog are just as out of touch as the zany instagrammers.

  2. Thanks so much for your comments, Philip. :) I really appreciate them.


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