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Sunday, October 20, 2013

never-ending calamity

I need a fresh start and some anonymity. I figured changing my blog's name was easier than running away to Guam.

For the past few months, I've had no idea what is going on in my brain. I can go from completely self-destructive to not wanting to get out of bed to sobbing uncontrollably to being afraid to leave the house to not feeling any feelings at all in the span of a few days. This has been happening every. single. week since late August. I've experienced depression before, but it's different this time. It came abruptly and intensely, and I’ve been spending the last few months navigating how to fix it while attempting to be a functional employee and graduate student and maintain relationships with friends, husband, and family. I have no idea what I’m doing. I don't feel much better than I did a few months ago.

It is so difficult for me to talk to anyone about depression, so I avoided writing about it because I knew friends followed the other blog. Some people close to me have experienced depression and understand what I'm going through, sort of. But everyone experiences this illness differently, and I'm afraid of spilling my guts about this because mental illness is still stigmatized, even in somewhat enlightened crowds (I'd like to consider my friends pretty enlightened). I didn't want people to think I was using it as an excuse or that I was exaggerating my feelings and experiences. I didn't want to seem like a crazy person. I didn't want anyone to worry.

I still don't want those things. I want a place to write out my turbulent emotions. It made me feel better before, and maybe it will help me understand them better now.

1 comment:

  1. I think the new title it awesome (I like it better than the old one). It is also my professional opinion that GIF animations are therapeutic and you should use more of them.


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