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Thursday, February 27, 2014

Can We Live Through February?

First we forgot where we'd planted those bulbs last year
And then we forgot we'd planted at all
Then we forgot what plants are altogether

And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting
And the nights were long and cold and scary,

Can we live through February?

You know I think Christmas was a long, red glare
Shot up like a warning, we gave presents without cards

And then the snow, and then the snow came

We were always out shoveling and we dropped to sleep exhausted,
Then we wake up,

And it's snowing.

And February was so long that it lasted into March
And found us walking a path alone together

You stopped and pointed and you said, "That's a crocus"
And I said "What's a crocus?" and you said, "It's a flower"
I tried to remember, but I said,

What's a flower?

I have lost to February

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What is the DEAL With That Blog Title?

Edit: This post is referring to my former blog title, The Awkward Raincloud.

Rest in Peace.

So, my blog title. It's pretty weird, right? But it makes perfect sense to me. I'm going to ramble on and by the end of these words, I'm hoping it makes a little bit of sense to you.

Several months ago, I went through a period of about three weeks where I couldn't get out of my head the phrase, "I no longer feel the need to exist." It was the strangest few weeks I've ever experienced in my life and I'm still trying to figure out what happened.

I don't know how to describe it. It was like this constant feeling deep in my guts that never left me. My guts were telling me, "Life is meaningless. Everything is bullshit. You should just leave leave leave leave..." (My guts echo sometimes). But leave didn't mean "go on vacation" or "go to sleep for awhile." It meant leave, like I would leave a room, only permanently and not just a room but my life.

To be clear, I didn't want to kill myself. I just didn't want to exist. I would have preferred that I somehow just didn't wake up the next morning, or that I got hit by a bus with no driver (you know, because the driver might have some long-term psychological consequences if they killed someone and I didn't want that. I really thought about this.). I didn't want to leave Joel, my family, and my friends behind. I knew they loved me and that they'd be pretty upset. I had just started a new internship and was even somewhat excited for the future. My gut-talking didn't have anything to do with my actual life or loved ones.

Allie Brosch perfectly describes these feelings, with pictures even, in her post about depression. I think you should read it and then come back here. I'll wait.

*cue Jeopardy music*

Welcome back!

Depression has been controlling my life ever since those weeks at the end of August. I'm really fucking tired of it, but I know it's not something that will ever be completely gone. I still feel that way sometimes. The depression has always been there, I just haven't acknowledged it. I chalked it up to "being a teenager" or "going through a rough patch." People said I was just overly-sensitive or being dramatic. I thought feeling empty, alone, and hopeless was my normal. I'm slowly learning that it doesn't have to be, but it's going to take some work.

ANYWAY, during that three weeks, I listened to a lot of music. Music tends to make me feel better under most circumstances. I listen to it like some people read a book or watch TV. I sit there with my headphones in, zone out, and let the music and lyrics take me somewhere else. Sometimes I get obsessions over particular songs and listen to them on repeat nearly 24/7. During that absolute hellish time, that song was "Royal Blue" by The Cold War Kids. The lyric "I see that rain cloud comin' right for me" particularly hit home.

Though this song can be interpreted a lot of different ways, to me it's a song about a person who's deciding to take control. How appropriate! Obviously it became the theme song for my life.

From now on
Fly as high as I want
From now on
I show my weak spots

It's really hard for people to talk about mental illness. I still avoid doing it in person. But here, this blog, is the place where I can "show my weak spot." Not that mental illness is a weakness, but because of its historic stigma, talking about it can make a person feel weak. It made perfect sense to me to incorporate a piece of this song into my blog title. So, that's where the rain cloud comes from. The other word is just because I am actually awkward as fuck.

My blog is a little sad and a little weird and a lot of awkward, because I'm kind of a little sad and weird and awkward.  And I'm cool with that.

So now you know.

I hope you feel enlightened.

PS - my next post will probably be about nail polish.

Friday, February 7, 2014


It's late. I should be sleeping, or starting to attempt to think about sleeping. But I'm not. I'm writing a blog post because it's my blog and I want to. It's been a long day and I have poo-brain. I apologize in advance for any stupid things that may result from writing in this condition. lol wait no I don't IT'S MAH BLOG, BITCHES.

This is an Adventure Time reference. If you get it, let's be best friends.
If you don't, watch Adventure Time, mang!
What are you even doing with your life?!?!?!?!?!?

I haven't written in awhile. I have a lot of ideas for posts floating around in my head but not a lot of time to write them out. Writing takes me forever because I try really hard to make it not suck (usually).

Here's the shiz that's preventing me from gracing you all with my blog-words:

  • I'm taking my first Public Administration course and it's like rly hard. It requires real thinking instead of just writing about my feelings like in most Social Work classes. Thinking hurts my brain and turns it into poo.
  • Other classes are challenging, too. I should be writing a paper for my blow-off class right now (sometimes they require work, too, ugh), but I'm writing this instead. #modelstudent
  • Internship. The program I'm working on at my agency is unexpectedly 100% different from last semester and there's a bunch of stuff to do! I've also missed a few days due to snow days/life, so I'm working some extra hours playing catch up.
  • There was a recent death in the family that's been rough on Joel, thus rough for me. It's taken a lot of emotional energy out of both of us. 
  • My dad, who has been suffering from progressively worse COPD for years, got a lung transplant! It's great news and he's doing really well. But also... holy stress! The news came out of nowhere! I guess there's no way we ever could have prepared for it, no matter how hard we tried. It's going to be a long road to recovery and his immune system will essentially be non-existent with the medication he'll be on to prevent his body from rejecting the lung. Plus, my parents live two hours away, and the hospital is two hours away, so I feel useless and helpless and guilty sort of all the time. I wish I could be there for him and my mom every day.
  • Winter. Man, fuck this winter. I'm not a person that hates this season, in fact I like it better than the scorching heat and humidity that is the Michigan summer, but this one has been brutal and relentless. My car gets stuck at least three times a week, I've had several hour+ long commutes when it should only take me twenty minutes, and my hands are freezing literally all the time. Like, it hurts them to type right now. I've lost all motivation to do anything but what is absolutely necessary in order to live/not fail. I am over winter, and I'm sure I'm not the only one, but we have two more months. I just keep telling myself "spring will come." It's never not come before. This isn't an ice age, it's just a "North Dakota winter," like the kind my dad grew up with.
So there's that list. It's a little more sad panda than I had originally intended.

Today's selfie.

I feel emotionally and physically drained. I feel like all I'm doing is hoping that the next couple months go by fast so that winter and this difficult semester can be done, which is not a feeling I like. I want to appreciate each day for what it is, but it's a little hard right now. I don't have any time to myself to decompress, which has always been essential to my mental health. So, things are a little rough, but they could be worse. Here's a few positive things, because I need to end this on a happier note so I don't cry myself to sleep:

  • The lung transplant. This is a good thing, even if it is stressful. It will hopefully buy my father a lot more time on this earth and I'm so grateful. 
  • I got officially accepted into the MPA program, which is a huge weight lifted. 
  • I was asked to be in the Social Work honor society and I can't believe it. This was something I desperately wanted in my undergrad, but my GPA just wasn't there. Though academia certainly isn't my main focus in life, I do try to be a good student and I'm pretty proud of myself.
  • I'm staying on top of school stuff and don't feel overwhelmed yet. For heading into the sixth week and knowing exactly what's to come this semester, this is both a great thing and completely surprising to me. Last semester Victoria would be flipping out. BUT I GOT THIS, DON'T EVEN WORRY.
  • Joel is killing it at his job as a personal trainer and I'm totally proud of him, as usual. I don't think I could do this life without him. It'd be really rough and shitty, anyway.  
  • There's still glitter and rainbows, which always make me happy.
So this is me right now:

Goodnight, friends. ♥