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Tuesday, February 18, 2014

What is the DEAL With That Blog Title?

Edit: This post is referring to my former blog title, The Awkward Raincloud.

Rest in Peace.

So, my blog title. It's pretty weird, right? But it makes perfect sense to me. I'm going to ramble on and by the end of these words, I'm hoping it makes a little bit of sense to you.

Several months ago, I went through a period of about three weeks where I couldn't get out of my head the phrase, "I no longer feel the need to exist." It was the strangest few weeks I've ever experienced in my life and I'm still trying to figure out what happened.

I don't know how to describe it. It was like this constant feeling deep in my guts that never left me. My guts were telling me, "Life is meaningless. Everything is bullshit. You should just leave leave leave leave..." (My guts echo sometimes). But leave didn't mean "go on vacation" or "go to sleep for awhile." It meant leave, like I would leave a room, only permanently and not just a room but my life.

To be clear, I didn't want to kill myself. I just didn't want to exist. I would have preferred that I somehow just didn't wake up the next morning, or that I got hit by a bus with no driver (you know, because the driver might have some long-term psychological consequences if they killed someone and I didn't want that. I really thought about this.). I didn't want to leave Joel, my family, and my friends behind. I knew they loved me and that they'd be pretty upset. I had just started a new internship and was even somewhat excited for the future. My gut-talking didn't have anything to do with my actual life or loved ones.

Allie Brosch perfectly describes these feelings, with pictures even, in her post about depression. I think you should read it and then come back here. I'll wait.

*cue Jeopardy music*

Welcome back!

Depression has been controlling my life ever since those weeks at the end of August. I'm really fucking tired of it, but I know it's not something that will ever be completely gone. I still feel that way sometimes. The depression has always been there, I just haven't acknowledged it. I chalked it up to "being a teenager" or "going through a rough patch." People said I was just overly-sensitive or being dramatic. I thought feeling empty, alone, and hopeless was my normal. I'm slowly learning that it doesn't have to be, but it's going to take some work.

ANYWAY, during that three weeks, I listened to a lot of music. Music tends to make me feel better under most circumstances. I listen to it like some people read a book or watch TV. I sit there with my headphones in, zone out, and let the music and lyrics take me somewhere else. Sometimes I get obsessions over particular songs and listen to them on repeat nearly 24/7. During that absolute hellish time, that song was "Royal Blue" by The Cold War Kids. The lyric "I see that rain cloud comin' right for me" particularly hit home.

Though this song can be interpreted a lot of different ways, to me it's a song about a person who's deciding to take control. How appropriate! Obviously it became the theme song for my life.

From now on
Fly as high as I want
From now on
I show my weak spots

It's really hard for people to talk about mental illness. I still avoid doing it in person. But here, this blog, is the place where I can "show my weak spot." Not that mental illness is a weakness, but because of its historic stigma, talking about it can make a person feel weak. It made perfect sense to me to incorporate a piece of this song into my blog title. So, that's where the rain cloud comes from. The other word is just because I am actually awkward as fuck.

My blog is a little sad and a little weird and a lot of awkward, because I'm kind of a little sad and weird and awkward.  And I'm cool with that.

So now you know.

I hope you feel enlightened.



PS - my next post will probably be about nail polish.

2 comments:

  1. I came through debilitating, suicidal depression...more than once...on my own. I did the thing where you seek support and it just wasn't there at all. So from then on, I just did shit on my own. And maybe that is part of the reason why there are still some things that seem totally pointless and hopeless and I just don't care. But honestly, getting over the idea that life has some grand point and instead accepting that existence is just existence, has helped me immensely. Also, some self-diagnosing of personality and mental disorders that can be handled through behavioral therapy.

    I don't know. Whatevs. I guess it is always a struggle...but maybe being around people who understand that life isn't always great and allow me to say that out loud without jumping down my throat about the fucking bright side...maybe that helps a lot too.

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    Replies
    1. Our culture is obsessed with The Meaning of Life and Finding Happiness. Once I realized that there's nothing wrong with a little melancholy, I started to feel a lot less damaged. It's just a part of me. Not to say that I'm not working on my negative tendencies because I think they can sometimes be unhealthy, I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not a "happy" kind of person... unless I've consumed a lot of alcohol. It is, indeed, always a struggle. I don't understand how some people can be happy LITERALLY no matter what while other people have to fight every day just to not want to die. Mental illness is fucking weird. There is definitely comfort in knowing I'm not alone.

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