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Monday, March 24, 2014

To Do: Not These Things

I'm really into to-do lists lately. I make one at least every day, some times more than that. I make them for what I need to do for school, for work, for real life, for the future, for when I need to organize research I'm doing (such as, "How not to suck at networking"). Literally everything in my life gets a list. If I did the whole "Stuff I'm into" regular blog post series, the only thing on it for the past two months would be the bulleted list. If I died tomorrow, on my tombstone it would say:

Here lies Victoria. She was a:

  • Wife
  • Daughter
  • Sister
  • Friend
  • Etc.

I think you get the point. 

So I told you in my last post that I've been having trouble with inspiration lately. I do have things floating around in my brain that I'd like to share, however they seem so mundane that I lose interest and don't write about them, or they're so serious that I avoid writing about them because it involves thinking and feelings and those are hard. I'm really good at avoiding things. Add that to my tombstone list.

All I really know how to write anymore are lists! So now I'm going to share a not to-do list. This is a list of things I could write about because they're taking up space in my head, but I'll spare you because they're really stupid and lame and would not make great blog posts.

Things I Could Write About But Won't Because They're Really Stupid and Lame:
  • My favorite things to eat with peanut butter
  • My favorite brands of cereal (spoiler alert: it's just Lucky Charms)
  • Weird things my dog does
  • My favorite types of glitter
  • My theories regarding the AMC original series Mad Men
  • Color theory
  • Boobs
  • Stuff I hate
  • Why I hate the stuff I hate
  • Drunken reflections on life and love and why
  • My girlcrushes
  • My mancrushes
  • My favorite animals
  • Why those animals are my favorite animals
  • Stuff I think about when I should be doing work (of course you could always just follow me on Twitter if you're really interested)
    • Selfies
    • What to eat for lunch/dinner/dessert
    • What my life will be like a year from now
    • Funny quotes from TV shows and shit
    • What would happen if someone walked in and saw me staring into space and laughing to myself
  • Stuff I think about when I'm driving
    • I fucking hate driving
    • I want to be home
    • Why are there so many goddamn potholes
    • My car sucks
  • My favorite brands of nail polish
  • My method to painting my nails
  • My favorite Lean Cuisines
  • Space shit
  • Types of cookies I want to bake
  • Craft projects I want to do but never will
  • The evolution of my hair
  • How I always manage to write a million words when I think I have nothing to say.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Reflections on Blogger's Block

I've always loved writing.

When I was ten years old, I wrote a book series with my best friend Tracy. We made four books; I wrote the even ones, she wrote the odd ones. We made covers out of construction paper and crayons. They were about vampires and other weird shit, because I was a weird kid with weird friends. I'm glad I went through my vampire phase (you know, that every girl goes through) before Twilight was around. She and I also got invited to some Young Author's Thing (probably not what it was called) on a local college campus. I wrote a book about dinosaurs. We were in the fourth grade and that day, I developed a crush on a blonde boy named Gus and then never saw him again.

I have dozens of journals I don't have the heart to destroy, but I would never want to read again because reading sad poems I wrote about middle school crushes would make me want to barf my guts out and die. I should probably burn them.

Then came the Internet and high school and a whole new plethora of writing opportunities. I maintained a LiveJournal blog for years. I even taught myself basic HTML so I could personalize it and make it pretty.  In high school the title was "The Endless Ramblings of a Happy Dork" but I obviously changed it once I went to college to reflect my sophisticated adulthood, and it was probably inspired by an e.e. cummings poem because I am a douche. I always had something to say. I once wrote an entire entry about solar flares. I deleted my blog during a period of unwarranted self-consciousness when I was 20. I had had the blog for over five years. It is one of my biggest regrets.

There is a point to this. The point is that I've always been a writer deep in my guts. But right now, I truly don't feel like a writer. Even though I am technically typing words onto a page that (a couple) people will read, I feel like a big fraud. I'm not inspired by anything. I don't care about vampires or dinosaurs or solar flares. I care about Serious Adult Things, but I can't write about heavy shit all the time because it is simply exhausting. But maybe heavy shit is all I think about, and that's why I'm so exhausted. Is this adulthood? Where am I?

I don't know. I just want to know what happened to the girl who could write about the mundane and turn it into a story, whose creativity flowed endlessly and effortlessly. What happened to the Happy Dork? I miss her.